Post by CTU-Fox_One on Mar 10, 2006 1:09:23 GMT -5
Mine Entire Areas! - As an engineer, it's your primary job to make sure every human being on the planet runs over your land mines. The best and easiest way to accomplish this is by placing them all over every entrance and exit surrounding your flag. The professional BF2 engineer will be so adept at laying mines that not a single molecule of digital oxygen will be able to escape from your base. Watch in sheer joy and satisfaction as your teammates curse at you in jealousy, damning your incredible skill at laying so many mines that nobody can leave your base! Place mines on friendly vehicles, preferably as they're driven! Dump mines all over spawn points! Unload them on helicopter landing pads! A well placed land mine could tip the scales of electronic warfare in your favor, making you a digital hero to all your teammates afraid to move any direction at all. This is the ultimate form of defense and security.
Always Play As a Sniper! - The sniper is singlehandedly the most awesome and useful class in the universe. I mean, they have sniper rifles, for crying out loud! SNIPER RIFLES! Some of the most successful BF2 teams were composed entirely of snipers, sharpshooting enemies from hundreds of meters away and snuffing out souls like a rogue Twinkie lobbed into your damp, subterranean computer lair. Many squad leaders will often request large amounts of snipers to join their team since the core of any useful squad is a sniper ready and willing to sit in one single location for 30 minutes, shooting at tanks while refusing to move for any reason short of an artillery strike directly on their head. Never underestimate the monumental contributions a sniper can lend to any squad that really likes crouching in one location for days and missing virtually everything they aim for.
Pilot Helicopters Without Any Passengers! - As everybody knows, flying is a dangerous job, one which only the most trained sniper can accomplish! Do not risk other teammates to the perils of being shot down in a fiery explosion; get in choppers and leave your base without anybody on board! The weight of additional passengers will simply slow you down and make you an easier target for anti-aircraft stations, so do your team a favor and fly everywhere solo. After all, helicopters weren't created to actually transport anything. They were originally designed as very large and inefficient paperweights.
Don't Bother to Practice Flying! - Piloting helicopters are one of those things that are best learned during online games with other players. Don't worry if you've never flown one before, and instead of hands you have bulbous, sweaty claws that flail out uncontrollably at random objects surrounding you. Just hop on in and hope for the best! If you're really unsure how to fly, like you experience extreme difficulty when attempting to determine which direction is "up" and which direction is "the bathroom," request other teammates to hop in and fly with you. They'll offer tons of useful advice and will gladly take over the controls after you've flown so badly that you've somehow ended up in a completely different game altogether.
Place Hundreds of Exciting Clan Letters In Your Name! - Clans are awesome, they're like online gangs of tough guys and the token 40-year old suspicious man with a wife and kids who plays solely to escape the harsh and bitter reality of his own failed life. All the good players are in clans! You ain't fesces until you've joined a clan and put their magical initials both before and after your name, right after attending a two hour IRC clan meeting regarding the best positions for a sniper on the "Backstab" map. Ideally, you can put their letters in the middle of your name as well, so if you joined clan "Bad Azz Killaz," and your online name is "Flapjacks," your BF2 name would appear as "-=BaK=- Flap{[BaK]}Jacks //BaK\." If only there was some way to insert animated gifs of spinning skulls and tiny explosions into your name... life would be perfect!
Drop Artillery Strikes Everywhere at Any Time! - Besides the Saw Support class gets to launch artillery strikes anywhere they please. Don't feel afraid to use this under any circumstances! Did you just receive notice an enemy soldier was spotted in your main base? Drop an artillery strike on it! Don't bother warning anybody because there may be spies on your team who will instantly call up members of the opposing team and tell them, possibly costing you valuable points. This is grounds for a lawsuit.
Randomly Bail Out of Aircraft and Vehicles With No Warning! - As a driver or pilot, it's your job to simply get from point A to point B, wherever those two places may exist in your amazing screwed up brain. You have no responsibility to inform anybody else when you're about to leave! I mean, you didn't ask them to enter your vehicle, unless of course you did, in which case you were just joking. Bailing out of a full helicopter without letting anybody know in advance is often a fun and exciting way to "spice up" any game. Try to aim your chopper in the direction of a mountain or an ocean before you jump out, just to ensure you don't accidentally hit something of importance, like a mother nursing her baby or a friendly elf.
Step On Land Mines! - When driving a jeep at the fastest possible speed, you may notice a big red skull and crossbones icon appearing on the right of your screen. This means that a witch is chasing you and you've got to get out of there as soon as possible or else she'll throw her level 34 skeleton at you! Look for a small, round, black teleporter which will magically whisk you away to a beautiful new location, usually about 40 meters straight up. If one of your teammates decides to kill you while traveling there, be sure to vote to kick them, because it's not your d**n fault a witch was chasing you and you tried to escape. War is hell, soldier!
If Somebody Is Using a Ground Vehicle's Gun, Get In and Drive It Away! - Some vehicles, such as jeeps and vans, have mounted cannons on top to scare away enemy birds. If you see a stationary vehicle, one where somebody is manning the top gun and shooting at some indeterminate location, feel free to jump right in and drive it away! I mean, obviously the guy was just sitting around like a useless dreg and waiting for an experienced driver to take him somewhere, anywhere! How else can you possibly explain somebody sitting inside a vehicle and not driving it? If the person manning the machine gun has placed land mines directly in front of the vehicle and even says "please do not get in, I'm using the gun to defend the flag," just ignore him, hop into the driver's seat, then drive right over the land mines, killing you both! Then vote to kick for a team kill because you're a stupid f**k**g reject of the human race who deserves to have hot metal skewers jabbed into your eye sockets while a homeless man slices open your stomach and shoves pieces of broken glass and rusty bicycle gears into you. Not that I'm still mad.
Constantly Vote to Kick Anybody Who Offends You! - Did somebody get into a tank before you could? Vote to kick them! Are you tired of getting killed by the same person? Vote to kick them! Does somebody on the server have a name which offends your delicate fundamentalist Baptist sensibilities? Vote to kick them! The solution to every problem imaginable lies in banning it; after all it worked with drug and gun control, right? Make sure to support your petition to kick a player by typing in random gibberish in some sort of alien pseudo-language invented by Norse gods, such as "plz kick cRazZYKilLaH hes stepn on t ah zz ahdn bugz 35fww3sw guff tank :-(." It doesn't matter if it makes no sense, your team mates will undoubtedly understand the core message and will kick that jerk off the server for good. Then you'll only have x-1 players left to vote off the server until you're the only one left.
If You See Somebody Repairing a Vehicle, Feel Free to Take It! - They're simply preparing it for you, like a Christmas present! All your teammates want to be sure you drive only the finest and most physically acceptable vehicles. If you really want to show your gratitude, use the vehicle to run them over. Then drive the vehicle straight into a large body of water or off a cliff like a slow at thinking burn victim. Of course the chances of somebody on a public server not voting you for a team kill are like one hundred billion infinity to -10, so remember to get really angry at them when the inevitable occurs.
That Chopper is Your Chopper! - Battlefield 2 comes with an advanced, technologically breathtaking feature which allows players to virtually "claim" a vehicle they want. You accomplish this by saying "GET OUT OF MY CHOPPER YOU f**k*r" repeatedly when somebody boards a Chopper you really want to pilot. You can claim any vehicle you want, but there's really no point in reserving any vehicle besides the attack chopper because, really, those are so awesome and you look like a real badass when you're flying them at 800 miles an hour into the side of a mountain while screaming racial slurs and trying to vote people for team kills they haven't committed quite yet.
The Spec Ops Class is Awesome! - As a spec ops soldier, you get the ultimate weapon: C4! Place these little bundles of joy on every single object you can find, such as team vehicles or anti-aircraft emplacements or flags or chairs or other mounds of C4 that all the other spec ops people dumped together to build a shrine memorializing Jim Varney. You can best serve your team by loading your jeep with C4 and driving it directly into an enemy flag. You really never end up killing anybody, but oh boy, it's really intimidating and the psychological damage to the enemy team is utterly priceless. Many people have actually quit Battlefield 2 after being exposed to such a violent, horrific attack!
Don't ever say anything useful on the voice com, just suddenly screech comments like "OH fesces DUDE!" and then never ever explain what exactly you were referencing. Add a little variety to your online performance by shouting things along the lines of "no... watch out for... yeah, there you go" and then follow it up with "no, don't go there, that thing... it's there, go... yeah, no, okay." Don't worry about your microphone being too close to your mouth; people love distortion. That's why heavy metal is so popular.
Small Arms Fire Will Eventually Destroy Any Tank! - If you spot an enemy (or friendly) tank, and you lack any explosive devices to take it out, just crouch and shoot your pistol at it until the driver gives up and commits suicide. If you aim at its gas tank, it will instantly explode in a huge fireball, just like in that Michael Bay movie about the virgin clones who pilot flying motorcycles.
Hope to see you on the battlefield! -Fox
Always Play As a Sniper! - The sniper is singlehandedly the most awesome and useful class in the universe. I mean, they have sniper rifles, for crying out loud! SNIPER RIFLES! Some of the most successful BF2 teams were composed entirely of snipers, sharpshooting enemies from hundreds of meters away and snuffing out souls like a rogue Twinkie lobbed into your damp, subterranean computer lair. Many squad leaders will often request large amounts of snipers to join their team since the core of any useful squad is a sniper ready and willing to sit in one single location for 30 minutes, shooting at tanks while refusing to move for any reason short of an artillery strike directly on their head. Never underestimate the monumental contributions a sniper can lend to any squad that really likes crouching in one location for days and missing virtually everything they aim for.
Pilot Helicopters Without Any Passengers! - As everybody knows, flying is a dangerous job, one which only the most trained sniper can accomplish! Do not risk other teammates to the perils of being shot down in a fiery explosion; get in choppers and leave your base without anybody on board! The weight of additional passengers will simply slow you down and make you an easier target for anti-aircraft stations, so do your team a favor and fly everywhere solo. After all, helicopters weren't created to actually transport anything. They were originally designed as very large and inefficient paperweights.
Don't Bother to Practice Flying! - Piloting helicopters are one of those things that are best learned during online games with other players. Don't worry if you've never flown one before, and instead of hands you have bulbous, sweaty claws that flail out uncontrollably at random objects surrounding you. Just hop on in and hope for the best! If you're really unsure how to fly, like you experience extreme difficulty when attempting to determine which direction is "up" and which direction is "the bathroom," request other teammates to hop in and fly with you. They'll offer tons of useful advice and will gladly take over the controls after you've flown so badly that you've somehow ended up in a completely different game altogether.
Place Hundreds of Exciting Clan Letters In Your Name! - Clans are awesome, they're like online gangs of tough guys and the token 40-year old suspicious man with a wife and kids who plays solely to escape the harsh and bitter reality of his own failed life. All the good players are in clans! You ain't fesces until you've joined a clan and put their magical initials both before and after your name, right after attending a two hour IRC clan meeting regarding the best positions for a sniper on the "Backstab" map. Ideally, you can put their letters in the middle of your name as well, so if you joined clan "Bad Azz Killaz," and your online name is "Flapjacks," your BF2 name would appear as "-=BaK=- Flap{[BaK]}Jacks //BaK\." If only there was some way to insert animated gifs of spinning skulls and tiny explosions into your name... life would be perfect!
Drop Artillery Strikes Everywhere at Any Time! - Besides the Saw Support class gets to launch artillery strikes anywhere they please. Don't feel afraid to use this under any circumstances! Did you just receive notice an enemy soldier was spotted in your main base? Drop an artillery strike on it! Don't bother warning anybody because there may be spies on your team who will instantly call up members of the opposing team and tell them, possibly costing you valuable points. This is grounds for a lawsuit.
Randomly Bail Out of Aircraft and Vehicles With No Warning! - As a driver or pilot, it's your job to simply get from point A to point B, wherever those two places may exist in your amazing screwed up brain. You have no responsibility to inform anybody else when you're about to leave! I mean, you didn't ask them to enter your vehicle, unless of course you did, in which case you were just joking. Bailing out of a full helicopter without letting anybody know in advance is often a fun and exciting way to "spice up" any game. Try to aim your chopper in the direction of a mountain or an ocean before you jump out, just to ensure you don't accidentally hit something of importance, like a mother nursing her baby or a friendly elf.
Step On Land Mines! - When driving a jeep at the fastest possible speed, you may notice a big red skull and crossbones icon appearing on the right of your screen. This means that a witch is chasing you and you've got to get out of there as soon as possible or else she'll throw her level 34 skeleton at you! Look for a small, round, black teleporter which will magically whisk you away to a beautiful new location, usually about 40 meters straight up. If one of your teammates decides to kill you while traveling there, be sure to vote to kick them, because it's not your d**n fault a witch was chasing you and you tried to escape. War is hell, soldier!
If Somebody Is Using a Ground Vehicle's Gun, Get In and Drive It Away! - Some vehicles, such as jeeps and vans, have mounted cannons on top to scare away enemy birds. If you see a stationary vehicle, one where somebody is manning the top gun and shooting at some indeterminate location, feel free to jump right in and drive it away! I mean, obviously the guy was just sitting around like a useless dreg and waiting for an experienced driver to take him somewhere, anywhere! How else can you possibly explain somebody sitting inside a vehicle and not driving it? If the person manning the machine gun has placed land mines directly in front of the vehicle and even says "please do not get in, I'm using the gun to defend the flag," just ignore him, hop into the driver's seat, then drive right over the land mines, killing you both! Then vote to kick for a team kill because you're a stupid f**k**g reject of the human race who deserves to have hot metal skewers jabbed into your eye sockets while a homeless man slices open your stomach and shoves pieces of broken glass and rusty bicycle gears into you. Not that I'm still mad.
Constantly Vote to Kick Anybody Who Offends You! - Did somebody get into a tank before you could? Vote to kick them! Are you tired of getting killed by the same person? Vote to kick them! Does somebody on the server have a name which offends your delicate fundamentalist Baptist sensibilities? Vote to kick them! The solution to every problem imaginable lies in banning it; after all it worked with drug and gun control, right? Make sure to support your petition to kick a player by typing in random gibberish in some sort of alien pseudo-language invented by Norse gods, such as "plz kick cRazZYKilLaH hes stepn on t ah zz ahdn bugz 35fww3sw guff tank :-(." It doesn't matter if it makes no sense, your team mates will undoubtedly understand the core message and will kick that jerk off the server for good. Then you'll only have x-1 players left to vote off the server until you're the only one left.
If You See Somebody Repairing a Vehicle, Feel Free to Take It! - They're simply preparing it for you, like a Christmas present! All your teammates want to be sure you drive only the finest and most physically acceptable vehicles. If you really want to show your gratitude, use the vehicle to run them over. Then drive the vehicle straight into a large body of water or off a cliff like a slow at thinking burn victim. Of course the chances of somebody on a public server not voting you for a team kill are like one hundred billion infinity to -10, so remember to get really angry at them when the inevitable occurs.
That Chopper is Your Chopper! - Battlefield 2 comes with an advanced, technologically breathtaking feature which allows players to virtually "claim" a vehicle they want. You accomplish this by saying "GET OUT OF MY CHOPPER YOU f**k*r" repeatedly when somebody boards a Chopper you really want to pilot. You can claim any vehicle you want, but there's really no point in reserving any vehicle besides the attack chopper because, really, those are so awesome and you look like a real badass when you're flying them at 800 miles an hour into the side of a mountain while screaming racial slurs and trying to vote people for team kills they haven't committed quite yet.
The Spec Ops Class is Awesome! - As a spec ops soldier, you get the ultimate weapon: C4! Place these little bundles of joy on every single object you can find, such as team vehicles or anti-aircraft emplacements or flags or chairs or other mounds of C4 that all the other spec ops people dumped together to build a shrine memorializing Jim Varney. You can best serve your team by loading your jeep with C4 and driving it directly into an enemy flag. You really never end up killing anybody, but oh boy, it's really intimidating and the psychological damage to the enemy team is utterly priceless. Many people have actually quit Battlefield 2 after being exposed to such a violent, horrific attack!
Don't ever say anything useful on the voice com, just suddenly screech comments like "OH fesces DUDE!" and then never ever explain what exactly you were referencing. Add a little variety to your online performance by shouting things along the lines of "no... watch out for... yeah, there you go" and then follow it up with "no, don't go there, that thing... it's there, go... yeah, no, okay." Don't worry about your microphone being too close to your mouth; people love distortion. That's why heavy metal is so popular.
Small Arms Fire Will Eventually Destroy Any Tank! - If you spot an enemy (or friendly) tank, and you lack any explosive devices to take it out, just crouch and shoot your pistol at it until the driver gives up and commits suicide. If you aim at its gas tank, it will instantly explode in a huge fireball, just like in that Michael Bay movie about the virgin clones who pilot flying motorcycles.
Hope to see you on the battlefield! -Fox
